i used to write in my sketch book for my drawing 2 class when i was at stout. i found that sketch book and i found this rap i wrote. here it is

fall 2009:


I am human, a woman of color, should take a shower, am bisexual, like cats, want to eat, at meat when practicing vegetarianism, , miss my best friend, smoke cigarettes - even though i know they kill me, pose nude, love my family, play guitar, enjoy dreams, speak portuguese, fuck women, fuck men, read online newspapers, support Obama, plan concerts, love my co-workers, feel guilty for not doing more about poverty, volunteer at the Family Place Homeless Shelter, have a grandfather that was a pastor, worked at a Bible camp, love my dad and hope to be as humble as him one day, cut my hair nine inches, watched someone die, will never do heroin, will never to any drug but Mary-J, rode an elephant in Thailand, have been to: Canada, Mexico, Guatemala, Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay, Thailand, Japan(airport), Germany, Netherlands, Austria, and the U.S of A. I want to  go to Alaska, played the trumpet, made MJ butter, sang  karaoke drunk during carnival in Brazil and fell off a truck, never sucked a dick and never want to, thinks that Stout is a waste of money and the S.S.A is not wise, strongly dislike George W. Bush, loved working on the Obama campaign, am content with myself, sometimes get lonely but now I have a friend, want to have a successful band, love making music with Ali, secretly have feelings for one of my old friends, get very annoyed with another, miss Brazil but would not want to live there, want to learn: German, French, and Hebrew, thinks Israeli woman are cool, and bulging muscles are not, fear death but don't want to, pray that there is an afterlife, believe in some sort of God, trying to find God, love Cloud Cult, love eggs and rice with spam but dont eat spam or meat anymore, i am high on caffeine right now, can't spell worth shit, swear too much, thank my parents for everything they do/did for me, want to own a restaurant/venue, pray that I wake up in the morning, think that Tamara Braintmier is a good professor, Mr. Engelking was a great teacher, like my body but want to loose 5lbs, like rock climbing, should run more, miss cross country running, hope to fall in love, real genuine love...this year, want to go on national exchange, miss Veerle and want to work in Belgium this summer.


Now exactly two years later i am sitting in Corner Coffee typing on this computer. It is funny to look back and reflect on your life. That is why i journal to see how I have changed. For the better or worse. I have gone through many changes in the past 2 years.   Some of  the things I wrote about wanting to do, I never did. Some things swore I wouldn't do...I did. Somethings i wanted to do I did. This world is crazy, but beautiful. i have had many trials in the past year. Everything from suicide attempts, to getting hit by a car in Milwaukee because an old man was going blind, to getting rapped, swearing at a the cop lady and landing my homeless junkie ass in jail. Well I am thankful for my struggles and I am thankful that "cop lady" threw my ass in jail.  being in jail gave me the time I needed to really look at my life for what it was at the time. I mean in 9 months i hit up about every major city in the midwest (and NYC) via hopping trains, hitchhiking, or the greyhound bus. I was loosing my friends left and right, i was hurting the people i love, drinking too much, smoking too much, and waking up behind dumpsters. BUT it was not all bad.  While traveling i did meet some very interesting people that are still my friends to this day.  When I was a bum in Minneapolis I started to play my guitar on the streets for money. Which brings me to the happy part of the story. I  was playing on the patio of a cafe along the Mississippi near St.Anthony on Main. The only reason why I stopped to play a song for a group of young women is because I thought they were pretty and looked like they might be the type to give me a few bucks. Well, 5 months later they are my dear friends and kept telling me that God loved me and even though I was alone that God loves me and is always with me, so I am never really alone.  Now I finally know what they were talking about and I am feeling Gods love more than ever. His love and steadfast and mighty and he is answering all my prayers.  I had a lot of time to pray in jail and think and read Stephan King Novels.  So this is what happened the night I met Megan, Lindsey and Megan and later on all their amazing roommates. I stopped to play a song...which turned into my playing songs for an hour or so, which turned into them asking me to sit down and drink tea, which turned into me telling them my entire life story, which led to them figuring out I am homeless, which led me to them letting me sleep on their couch because they are so nice (loving and caring and amazing), which lead them to asking me what my relationship was with God, which lead me to OPENING MY HEART TO GOD AND ASKING FOR HIS HELP AND LOVE, WHICH CHANGED MY LIFE. Ok i was in a very very bad place when I met these young woman on the patio of some cafe. i was expecting to sing a song and get a dollar and go on my way. BUT thankfully I didn't go on my way...and now I am blessed to call them my friends. And you know why I didn't "go on my way?"  Because God wanted me to meet them that day and work through them to help me understand how much I AM LOVED and that i can turn my life around. "If you ask you shall receive." maybe you will not receive right way but when you are ready things will start to happen. And for the first time in two years I am ready to change.   I mean God is not handing out twenty dollar bills and making all my big dreams come true while i sit on my ass. I am working my ass off - and with Gods help things are starting to look up! I am not saying I am perfect, I am not saying I am the best person in the world, I am not saying I am ecstatic with happiness, but what I am saying is that with the help from God, motivation, respect and hard work my life is becoming what I want it to be. A life that I can be PROUD to live.  I am trying to live a humble life, one that I can maintain my friendships in.  I do not want to loose my friends because they are scared i will still their laptop or something. I lost a lot of friends in the past years due to my poor attitude, bad habits and manic behavior. Now I am trying to show them that I can act like a responsible adult.  But healing a friendship is a lot harder than one can imagine.  It is hard to heal my friendships when all of my old best friends will not respond to anything I write to them.  They will never know that i am living a SOBER. PRODUCTIVE, and RESPECTABLE life if they refuse to talk/write or see me.
I do have new friends, but everyone is unique and it is breaking my heart to know that they are all home for the holidays and hanging out and even the ones living out of state did not contact me to let me know they are in town. i try not to think about them because it brings tears to my eyes. Yes, I know I fucked up.  I fucked up royally and lost them.  But, people make mistakes. Some mistakes are larger mistakes, but we ALL make them right? And EVERYONE has the capability to change, all we need is the motivation to put this change into action. I NOW HAVE THAT MOTIVATION and I have taken many steps toward positive change. I have been out of jail for not even a week and I have managed to pick up TWO jobs, keep myself off the street, stay sober, perform live twice, write music, get job offers, meet new friends, re-connect with the friends that still love me and always will and treat me with respect and love me for who I am and stayed with me through all my struggles and were there when I needed them most and picked up the phone when I called them form jail, helped some homeless guy write a resume now we are friends, and started a project that is going to become something large in the media hopefully. I am no junkie now.  But hitting rock bottom was very humbling to me. You know who else was humble while in jail and turned their life around...? One of my heros, Malcolm X.  i know most of you know who he is. But he also landed his junkie ass in jail a long time ago in Harlem.  you know what he did in jail? THE SAME THING I did: Read, Pray, Write and think about how he can change his life around.  He read so much in jail in the dead of night he nearly went blind his eye sight was so poor when he got out his glassed were as think as my thumb.  He became a very influential person in the Muslim community and the Civil Rights Movement. you know why he became to well know and respected...?  It is because he hit rock bottom and realized he did not want to live the rest of his life smoking the reefier and hustling the streets of Harlem. He changed because he had the motivation to change. If a junkie in Harlem can change and turn into my hero, THEN I TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO CHANGE.  i have already started to change. I wish my old friends would at least give me the time of day and a chance to apologize for the way I treated them and a chance to explain to them how i have started to change my life around. it really does break my heart to know that they are all in town for the Holidays hanging out and none, not one, of them has contacted me. i know i dont have a phone, but i have facebook and email. and I have called them. But that is why I am glad to have Gods love. He has my back and that is why he lead me to that cafe back this summer. I now have few friends and they love me and I love them, so I am not totally alone.  i don;t know what I have to do to prove myself sane and capable to my old friends but maybe when they hear my voice on 89.3 Current one day (hopefuly) one their drive home from work, they will listen and the song will be about me loosing them and calling them to come back into my life. That is the only way they will hear my voice since they won't talk to me or see me. Maybe by that time they will realize that I am not a homeless junkie and I  in fact do have my shit together, so they can trust me again.  I am not a rock star or anything, but I am working hard and I have big dreams.


Madeline Sorenson, Alexandra Peter, Michael Pittman, Olivia Scott and Katie Salvatore:

if you are out their somewhere i want you to know that I still love you.  I wonder how you are? are you happy? Do you think of me? I think of you all the time and I care about you and i need you to know that i am sorry for being so stupid and careless. i am sorry that my behavior ruined our friendship. Please give me a second change to show you that i have changed and that you can trust me. please just respond to one message i write you. And if after reading all this you still hate me then at least have the heart to message me to tell me that you are giving up on me forever so I do not waste my time and effort trying to heal our friendship. Please do not leave me in the dark. I made mistakes, but I learned from them. Everyone makes mistakes. I love you.

If you read this whoever you are whereever you are I hope that you can understand where i am coming from. So thank you for reading i hope you learned something. I also want to thank some friends.

So lets pretend i am that one lucky lady that wins an oscar for best actress and her thankyou list is soooooo long that NBC starts to play the background music to kick her off stage.

The following people have changed my life, opened my heart, helped me stay sober, and are just amazing beautiful people with hearts of gold and i want to thank them from the bottom of my heart.  Without their love and support i don't know where I would be today. Thank you my dear friends. I love you all.

Hannah R
Kate K
Maddie P
The Hanson Family
My Dad
My Mom
my Step Dad
My step mom
Grandma Schoeder
Laura V
 and all of those who i can't name because I could sit here all night typing name of people i love!

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